Biblically Caring for Our Aging Parents (Part Two)
Inside: A tender reflection on walking through Mom’s final days, and the comfort only Christ can give. If you’re caring for aging parents or grieving a loved one, I pray this encourages you today.
Reflections on Walking with Mom in Her Final Day – originally written on January 21, 2013
Read Part One of Caring Biblically Caring for Our Aging Parents
As I was pondering where to begin in sharing about our time this past year in caring for my husband’s sweet Mama in her final days, I was reminded of a post I had written earlier on my blog titled Biblically Caring for Our Aging Parents. At that time, we had just brought Mom home and were adjusting to meeting her medical needs around the clock. We knew the road ahead would be difficult, and that our days would grow harder as her condition deteriorated daily.
I’m grateful for the time to pause and reflect as I prepared this post—there were many lessons the Lord taught us through this journey. One that stood out most clearly was this: death, for the believer, is a divine appointment.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1–2, Hebrews 9:27)
Preparing to Die
As we stepped further into this season of caregiving, we realized that part of walking faithfully with Mom meant helping her prepare for her final journey home.
Mom suffered several major strokes that left her unresponsive and bedridden. We didn’t know if she could hear us or see us. Over time, her body began to slow down, and we realized death was near. It had been over a year since her first stroke, and by then, our family had found peace in knowing she would soon be going home. There was great comfort in knowing Mom was a believer. We were confident she was going to be with Jesus.
Our hospice nurses and aides were such a blessing during this season. Over and over again, the Lord opened doors for us to share the gospel and minister to the hearts of these dear workers—many of whom, ironically, could not offer us eternal hope themselves because they were lost. This time was especially hard on Dad, but his eyes would light up when he shared about the work of Christ in his and Mom’s life. You could see the joy of the Lord in him as he gave testimony to the goodness of God to nurses who had truly become part of our family.
It’s incredible what happens in our lives as believers when the focus is lifted off ourselves and our troubles—and all we see is Christ.
As the Time Drew Near
I had never before watched someone I loved so dearly die. This was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. As a family, we ached for my husband’s dad. The woman he had been married to for fifty years was leaving this earthly body. Though we had lost her ability to respond and communicate more than a year prior, we still had her physically with us—to touch, to care for, to love on, to talk to, and to pray over.
Caring for her gave Dad purpose. We didn’t realize just how much that daily care helped keep his mind and heart engaged—until she was gone.
Doug, my husband, is an only child and had a very close bond with his mom. He took on the role of being strong for his dad and our family. Much was placed on his shoulders, but I watched his steady dependence on the Lord. He continually pointed each one of us to God’s Word for strength and hope. My love and respect for my husband only deepened, and I’m so thankful for the gift of his leadership and care. Our marriage was strengthened during this time.
As the end drew closer, we had nurses with us around the clock to help keep Mom comfortable and administer medication to aid her breathing. On the evening of her death, the nurse gently let us know the time was near. We gathered around her bedside as a family—we sang hymns, prayed over her, and shared aloud the things we loved most about her.
Even in the sorrow of that moment, there was a quiet celebration. We remembered her life of faith, and we gave thanks to God for the gift she was to us. Her death brought glory to the Lord, and we praised Him for saving her as His daughter.
“The best moment of a Christian’s life is his last one, because it is the one that is nearest heaven. And then it is that he begins to strike the keynote of the song which he shall sing to all eternity.”
C. H. Spurgeon
Preparing a Funeral
God is sovereign over every moment of our lives—and He calls us to die.
In Surprised by Suffering, R.C. Sproul writes that we are all called to different vocations: to preach, to teach, to build, to create, to parent. But every believer also shares a common vocation—the vocation of death. This calling, like all others, comes from the hand of our sovereign God.
“We usually limit the idea of vocation to our careers or our jobs. The word vocation, however, comes from the Latin word vocare, meaning ‘to call.’ Used in the Christian sense, vocation refers to a divine calling, a summons that comes from God Himself.”
R. C. Sproul, Surprised by Suffering: The Role of Pain and Death in the Christian Life
Mom may not have used the language of “vocation” when thinking about death, but she lived with gospel purpose—even in her final days. She had a heart for the lost and knew that the aim of our lives, and our deaths, is to glorify the Lord.
She would have wanted the gospel to be boldly proclaimed at her funeral, knowing there would be both believers and unbelievers in attendance. Doug gave the message, and our children shared testimonies of the impact their grandmother had on their lives. It was beautiful, simple, and Christ-centered.
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
Psalm 116:15
Ministry of the Saints
Sometimes the days, weeks, and months after a funeral are the most difficult.
Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. Some days are harder than others, and often it hits when you least expect it.
Just being present in the lives of those who are grieving can be one of the most meaningful ministries. We were so thankful for the body of Christ—those who offered listening hearts, warm hugs, cards, meals, and encouraging phone calls. These acts of love were such a blessing to our family.
One of the most helpful things we can do for someone who is grieving is to gently and consistently point them to the faithfulness of God.
If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.
1 Corinthians 12:26
Comforting Those Who Grieve
Navigating Dad’s grief was new ground for all of us. The best thing we’ve learned is the simple ministry of presence—just being there. Doug lost his mom, and that has been a deep and difficult transition.
We haven’t always gotten it right, but the Lord has graciously taught us along the way. Here are some practical ways we’ve found helpful in walking with someone through grief:
- Sharing Scriptures, articles, and songs that bring comfort and remind us of truth.
- Including Dad in the daily life of our home—he lives with us, and that presence helps ease the loneliness.
- Doug takes time for regular one-on-one outings with his dad, like lunch dates or drives to Cabela’s.
- We share memories of Mom and take time just to listen. For Christmas, we gave Dad a photo album filled with some of our favorite memories of Mom’s life.
- During the holiday season especially, we talk about Mom and acknowledge her absence together.
- Sometimes we just cry with one another.
Weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15
Two books we found helpful during this time were:
Sunsets: Reflections for Life’s Final Journey by Deborah Howard
Grief: Finding Hope Again by Paul David Tripp
The Hope to Come
We know Mama would never choose to come back to this fallen world—not when she’s with Jesus. But I still miss her. I miss her smile, her laugh, her hugs, her cooking, and the way she made each of us feel so loved and cared for.
She was such a beautiful example in my life of someone with a servant’s heart.
I’ve learned to focus on the blessings of having known her, and the ways the Lord used her life to shape mine. There are moments of tears, but in Christ, we never grieve without hope.
God’s comfort truly strengthens us to walk the road He has set before us. Our only true comfort is in the gospel. It’s the sure promise that the good work God began in us, He will finish—and one day, we will share in the glory that far outweighs any present sorrow.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Romans 8:18