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EP 39: How to Communicate with Your Spouse {Marriage Series}

by Marci Ferrell
Communication in Marriage Loving Our Husbands Marriage Marriage Series Podcast Respect

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Our marriages will not be able to achieve deep oneness without good communication. A strong, healthy, unified marriage is not possible without good communication. #communication #communicationinmarriage @mferrell

We’re going to discuss in today’s podcast about how well we communicate with our spouses. God created us as relational beings so we are designed to communicate not just with Him but with one another. Because we’re created in God’s image, our communication within our marriages should be one of intimacy, beauty, and harmony. 

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Because we're created in God's image our communication within our marriages should be one of intimacy, beauty, and harmony. Click to Tweet

Communication is a huge part of our lives together. We share all of life together in our marriages and home should be a place where we can be vulnerable, open, and honest with one another regarding all areas of our lives.

We’re going to break the show today down into three areas: Listening well, our day-to-day communication, and dealing in a God-honoring way with conflict.

Show Notes:

When we hear the word communicate speaking is probably the first thing that comes into our minds. But to be a good communicator we need to listen well and with humility.  We begin listening well to God by listening to His Word – this is where it starts in our relationship with one another. 

“But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. This is the beginning of the death of spiritual life, and in the end, there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words.” ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“High-quality listening brings good results. But it takes an awareness of how much people need to be listened to, plus time and practice.”  ~ Janet Dunn

“For some strange reason, human beings . . . tolerate stress and pressure much more easily if at least one other person knows they are enduring it.”  ~James Dobson

“A good listener gives us the opportunity to express our views without being judged, interrupted, or redirected. We feel safe and unhurried, so we are more likely to express what is really going on within us.”  ~ Janet Dunn

Our marriages will not be able to achieve deep oneness without good communication. A strong, healthy, unified marriage is not possible without good communication.

“Wherever you find marital failure, you will find a breakdown in real communication. Wherever you find marital success, you will find a good communication system.” ~ Wayne Mack

'Wherever you find marital failure, you will find a breakdown in real communication. Wherever you find marital success, you will find a good communication system.' Click to Tweet

How many times have we spoken something and said, “I didn’t’ mean that” – well actually we did – it was what was in our hearts at that moment that the words came out. What we may mean is “I regret that I said that out loud.”

One way to start communicating well with our husbands is to learn to practice affirmation. It’s biblical to affirm others – the apostle Paul it throughout his epistles. How do you see God at work in your husband? Share this with him. If you haven’t been doing it and all you’ve seen is the negative it may take some practice and the habit of re-focusing our thoughts. Express to him gifts from the Lord you see in him. 

Because of Jesus, we can have homes where we communicate with grace and peace. Our tongues can be tamed by the gospel – Jesus came to set us free. We are new creatures in Christ.

Because of Jesus, we can have homes where we communicate with grace and peace. Our tongues can be tamed by the gospel – Jesus came to set us free. We are new creatures in Christ. Click to Tweet

“Christians should bring peace, between people and God and between those who are at odds with each other. We share the Gospel of peace.”  ~ Warren Wiersbe 

4 G’s to Practical Peacemaking: (taken from Resolving Everyday Conflict by Ken Sande)

1 How can I focus on God in this situation? – G1 Glorify God

2. How can I own my part of this conflict? – G2 Get the Log Out of My Own Eye

3. How can I help others own their contribution to this conflict? – G2 Gently Restore

4. How can I give forgiveness and help reach a reasonable solution? – G4 Go and Be Reconciled 

“The more I focus on my proper role and avoid the temptation to play the role of the Holy Spirit (by repeating my words over and over and over and trying to coerce or manipulate others to change), the more often I see people listen, soften, and respond to God’s gracious work in their lives.” ~Ken Sande

“You may need to bear the impact of the other persons sin over a long period of time. This might mean fighting against painful memories, speaking gracious words when you wish to say something hurtful, working to tear down walls and be vulnerable when you still feel little trust or even enduring the consequences of an injury the other person is unable to unwilling to repair.” ~Ken Sande

Question to ask ourselves in the midst of conflict: “How can I please and honor God in this situation?”

Question to ask ourselves in the midst of conflict: 'How can I please and honor God in this situation?' Click to Tweet

“When we can’t resolve conflict we face an enormous temptation to take matters into our own hands. We think, God’s way didn’t work, so it must be time to try a new approach. One natural reaction is to back away from a relationship and stop doing any kind of good to our opponent. Another is to strike back at people who resist us. Without determined effort, we inevitably fall back into escaping or attacking, the same sinful responses we have worked so hard to be free from.” ~Ken Sande

“God doesn’t want us to give up on on peace or get tangled up fighting the way the world does. This isn’t the time to close the Bible on a problem, but rather to dig deeper into Scripture. Our goal isn’t to beat down or destroy our opponents, but to win them over, to help them see the truth, and bring them into a right relationship with God.”  ~ Ken Sande

God’s way of success is to be faithful to His ways. Click to Tweet

“The state of your heart is usually reflected in the words coming from your mouth. The more intense a dispute becomes, the more important it is to control your tongue. When you face prolonged conflict, you might be worn down by temptations to give in to gossip, slander and reckless words, especially if your opponent is saying critical things about you. Yet if you give in to harsh words, you make matters worse. So make every effort to say only what is both true and helpful, speaking well of your opponent whenever possible, using the kindest language you know. As Peter wrote, Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:9).” ~ Ken Sande

“Even if other people don’t choose to do right, your decision to keep doing right honors God.” ~ Ken Sande

'Even if other people don’t choose to do right, your decision to keep doing right honors God.' Click to Tweet

“It is not hard for a wife to be open and honest with a husband who is lowly in mind and meek and patient. It is not hard for a woman to communicate freely with her husband when she knows that he will bear with her and make allowances for her rather than condemn and demean her.

Likewise, the wife who makes it a practice to use only such speech as is good and beneficial and fitting to the need and occasion; the wife who readily and freely forgives and seeks to be helpful to her husband will make it very easy for her husband to open up and share his life with her. In such a non-threatening, understanding atmosphere the husband has no reason for pretense or putting on a false front or practicing deceit or hiding his fears, frustrations, and anxieties. He knows he is accepted as he is and for what he is. He knows his wife is for him and will help him rather than judge and condemn him.”  ~ Wayne Mack

Scriptures & Resources:

Proverbs 18:13

Philippians 4:8

1 Thessalonians 2:8

Romans 12:15

Proverbs 20:5

James 3:8-10

Hebrews 1:1-2

2 Timothy 3:16

Psalm 19:10

John 8:44

Ephesians 4:25

James 4:11

Proverbs 11:9

Proverbs 18:6

Proverbs 29:22

Proverbs 27:15

1 Thessalonians 5:14

Luke 6:45

Mark 5:1-20

Matthew 12:33

1 Corinthians 6:11

Ephesians 4:29

1 Corinthians 4:7

Proverbs 15:1

Proverbs 25:11

Romans 12:18

Hebrews 12:14

1 Peter 4:8

Matthew 5:9

Galatians 5:15

Romans 12:17

Ephesians 4:1-4

John 13:34-35

1 Corinthians 10:31

Matthew 7:3-5

Galatians 6:1

Matthew 18:15

James 5:20

2 Timothy 2:24-25

Ephesians 4:32

Colossians 3:13

2 Corinthians 10:3-4

Luke 6:27-28

1 Peter 3:9

Romans 12:17

Ephesians 4:29-32

Resources:

Marriage Series at the Blog (all posts and podcasts)

Thankful Homemaker Facebook Group – (there are two quick questions to answer before you can join the group.)

5 Steps to Help Remove the “Log” in Our Eye

20 Questions to Help Build Intimacy in Your Marriage

90 Family Dinnertime Conversations

240 Marital Conversations

Practical Suggestions for Good Communication in Our Marriages

Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Marriage Matters: Extraordinary Change through Ordinary Moments by Winston Smith

How to Become a Better Listener – Article from Discipleship Journal by Janet Dunn

Strengthening your Marriage by Wayne Mack

War of Words by Paul Tripp

Practicing Affirmation by Sam Crabtree

The Peacemaker by Ken Sande

Resolving Everyday Conflict by Ken Sande

Seven A’s of Confession & Four Promises of Forgiveness PDF

 

Become a patron at Patreon!

Related posts:

  1. EP 40: Sexual Intimacy in Marriage {Marriage Series}
  2. EP 38: What Does Submission in Marriage Look Like? {Marriage Series}
  3. EP 34: God’s Design for Our Marriages & Our Role as Women – Marriage Series #1
  4. EP 37: What is Biblical Submission? {Marriage Series with Guest Doug Ferrell}


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Marci Ferrell
It is better to get wisdom than gold. Gold is anot It is better to get wisdom than gold. Gold is another’s, wisdom is our own; gold is for the body and time, wisdom for the soul and eternity.⁣
~ Matthew Henry⁣
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Read Seeking Whatever is Good at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
Whether you're running errands, doing household ch Whether you're running errands, doing household chores, or sipping your coffee, you can do it in style, reminding yourself and others you are a Thankful Homemaker 🥰⁣
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Shop TH Gear at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image).
What do you think of when you hear the word discer What do you think of when you hear the word discernment? The dictionary defines it as making a distinction between good and evil and truth and falsehood. As believers, we all desire to be discerning and wise in our choices. As we mature and grow in our knowledge of the scriptures, the hope is we will use that information to make choices in line with God's will.⁣
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We become discerning people by not just knowing what to think but how to think. Being spiritually discerning is an ability to see the world the way God does. This comes about as we grow and mature spiritually into the likeness of Christ. It is about seeing “All That's Good.”⁣
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Read Seeking Whatever is Good at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
“Waiting exposes our idols and throws a wrench i “Waiting exposes our idols and throws a wrench into our coping mechanisms. It brings us to the end of what we can control and forces us to cry out to God. God doesn’t waste our waiting. He uses it to conform us to the image of his Son.”⁣
~ Betsy Childs Howard⁣
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Listen in to EP 23: Seasons of Waiting at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
As I’m sharing this episode, I’m finding mysel As I’m sharing this episode, I’m finding myself in a waiting room on the Lord, and it’s been a long one, and I don’t see an end near.  It has reminded me that when I gave myself to Him, I gave up my “right” to be in charge. The reality is we never were in charge anyway; we just came to that understanding when the Lord opened our eyes to His sovereign control over our lives.⁣
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Even though it is a truth I know or we know, how many times do we want to think that somehow we can effect change in our life situations?⁣
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Waiting is hard because there is no guarantee that my waiting will end in this lifetime. One thing I have learned – my waiting has deepened my trust in the Lord and has helped me to develop patience, perseverance, and endurance.⁣
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It’s also given me different eyes to see with compassion others who are in a season of waiting.⁣
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Listen in to EP 23 Seasons of Waiting at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
Six questions I have written in my Bible that have Six questions I have written in my Bible that have been a help to me over the years may be a help to you, too, to be prayerful and slow to speak. These are helpful questions not just in our friendships but in our marriages and with our children, and truly any of our relationships:⁣
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1. Is this the time to say this?⁣
2. Am I the person to say this?⁣
3. Is it necessary?⁣
4. Is it true?⁣
5. Is it kind?⁣
6. Do I need to say this?⁣
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Listen in to EP 140: Threats to Biblical Friendship at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
We all know that fostering true biblical friendshi We all know that fostering true biblical friendship isn’t easy – it takes work. Jesus told us in John 16:33 that we’re going to have trouble in this world, and trouble does touch all our lives in various areas, but this includes our friendships too.⁣
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We’ll be hurt; we’ll be the ones hurting others; selfishness is a battle; jealousy and envy raise their ugly heads; we have our fears and insecurities, failed expectations, the damage our tongues do to one another, not appropriating the gospel and these all come from hearts that are still battling sin. ⁣
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So when these threats to our friendship with one another in Christ come up, it shouldn’t surprise us that we have these issues, but what we need to keep at the forefront of our minds is how we respond and deal with them when they do come up. ⁣
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I want to walk us through some of these threats, and this list I’m working with isn’t exhaustive – there are many more threats than what I am addressing today – but these are areas that stood out to me that have been a battle within some of my friendships over the years. Sadly, it is often the sin I’m battling in my heart, and I need to get my thinking, attitudes, and actions lined up with God’s Word.⁣
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Listen to EP 140 Threats to Biblical Friendship at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
May we be women who are willing to return to the a May we be women who are willing to return to the authority of God’s Word, embrace God’s priorities for our lives and homes, and live out the beauty and wonder of womanhood as God created it to be.⁣
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Read more at The History of Modern Feminism at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
Women will never find fulfillment and satisfaction Women will never find fulfillment and satisfaction by trying to be "like" men and shedding their uniqueness as a female.  They will only find satisfaction in Christ.⁣
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Come read The History of Modern Feminism at the link in my profile @thankfulhomemaker (click on the link under the blue arrows and then this image)
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