EP 199: Am I Becoming a Quarrelsome Wife?
Inside: We can love our husbands deeply and still respond sinfully at times. Being right about an issue doesn’t make our response right.
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
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Some verses in Proverbs can make us smile a little when we picture them:
“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
—Proverbs 21:9
We can picture that husband heading up to the roof for a little peace. And then Proverbs 27:15 gives us another picture:
“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.”
As Christian wives, we want to be a crown to our husbands, as Proverbs 12:4 describes. We want to love them, encourage them, and do them good. We don’t want to chase them up onto the roof or wear them down with continual quarreling.
But we shouldn’t move past these passages too quickly. They invite us to consider how we’re treating the husbands the Lord has given us.
This message had been sitting in my drafts for several weeks when Costi Hinn recently taught on this same subject. His message helped me think about it more carefully. It’s well worth listening to. He spoke to husbands first and then to wives the following week. Since this message is for Christian women, we’re going to focus today on examining our own hearts as wives.
I love my Doug dearly, and I’m so thankful for him and for our marriage. But I still don’t always respond well when I don’t get my way. I may not argue or raise my voice, but I can get short with him. The Lord continues to show me that those responses matter too.
So this subject is personal for me as well. I want us to look at how we respond when our husbands disagree with us and what those responses may reveal about our hearts.
When I Feel Justified
I usually come around eventually. But I want to slow down and consider what’s happening before then. How am I treating Doug while I’m unhappy about the situation?
If I’m honest, I don’t always feel convicted immediately. At first, I may feel justified. I believe I have a good reason to be upset. I may even be right about whatever issue we’re disagreeing on.
But being right about an issue doesn’t make my response right.
There may be a concern we need to discuss. I may have something worth saying. But I’m still responsible before the Lord for how I speak and how I treat my husband.
His disagreement with me doesn’t give me permission to be unkind.
That’s an uncomfortable thing to acknowledge, isn’t it? We can spend so much time thinking about the strength of our argument that we give very little attention to the way we’re responding.
We want our husband to understand why we’re upset or why we feel so strongly about the situation. But are we willing to consider whether we’re sinning in the way we express it?
I’m preaching to myself here too.
We can love our husbands deeply and still respond sinfully at times. A good marriage doesn’t mean we’ve finished growing in godliness. We can thank the Lord for His grace in our marriage while still asking Him to show us where we need to repent and change.
What Am I Wanting?
James 4:1 asks what causes quarrels and fights among us, and points us to the desires at work within us.
James is addressing believers, and his words have much to teach us about conflict in marriage. When we’re upset with our husbands, we need to look beyond what happened and ask what we’re wanting—and how we respond when we don’t get it.
Wanting our husband to understand our perspective isn’t wrong. Having a preference isn’t wrong. Bringing a concern to him may be necessary and loving.
But what happens when he hears us and still disagrees?
Can we continue to treat him with kindness? Can we listen carefully to his reasoning? Or does our warmth toward him depend on whether he does what we want?
That’s a searching question for me. When I’m upset, I can be short with Doug. There are also times when I don’t say much, but I still want him to know I’m unhappy. Am I holding on to my right to be upset rather than considering what would please the Lord?
Sometimes we need a few minutes to think before we’re ready to talk, and we can tell our husband that. But a heavy sigh can say plenty. And even if I keep it all to myself, I can grumble in my own mind and go over all the reasons I think I’m right. The conversation may be over, but I’m still carrying on the argument in my heart.
The Lord knows the difference. And we need His help to recognize it in ourselves.
Jesus teaches in Matthew 12:34 that our words flow from our hearts. So we need to bring what is going on in our hearts before the Lord, not only the words we’ve spoken.
It isn’t enough just to manage our tone if our heart is still insisting on its own way.
We Can Speak Honestly and Kindly
One helpful point in Costi’s message was that disagreeing with our husbands does not automatically make us contentious. We need to understand that clearly.
A wife can raise a concern, offer counsel, ask questions, and confront sin. Her wisdom is a gift to her husband. Our marriages should have room for honest conversations, including conversations that are difficult.
The Lord has also given our husbands the responsibility to lead our homes, as Ephesians 5:22–23 reminds us. Part of our role as helpers is to encourage them as they lead.
I’m talking here about everyday decisions where Doug and I simply have different preferences or opinions. I can share my thoughts honestly, and he wants me to do that. But if we’ve talked it through and a decision still needs to be made, am I willing to submit to his leadership even if it isn’t what I would have chosen?
(Doug joined me for EP 186: Encouraging Your Husband’s Leadership in the Home, where we talked about some practical ways we can help our husbands lead.)
But even when something needs to be addressed, how do we bring it up? Are we speaking with humility and love? Are we willing to listen as well as speak?
I can tell myself I’m only trying to work through a concern, but sometimes I keep making my case after I’ve already shared what I needed to say. I want Doug to agree with me. Really, I want to be right and get my way.
Ephesians 4:29 tells us to use words that build up and give grace. We need that reminder in the middle of a conversation with our husband that isn’t going the way we hoped.
We don’t need to belittle our husbands to make our point. We can disagree with them and still speak with respect and kindness.
Coming Around Isn’t the Same as Repenting
I eventually get over my disappointment, and Doug and I begin talking normally again. But if I’ve been unkind toward him, simply moving on isn’t the same as repenting. I still need to address how I treated him.
That means confessing it to the Lord and asking our husband to forgive us.
It could sound something like this:
“I’m sorry for the way I responded to you. I was short with you, and that was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
We don’t need to follow that with, “But you made me upset when you…” If there is still a concern to discuss, we can talk about it. But when we ask forgiveness, we need to own our sin without excusing it.
Ephesians 4:31–32 calls us to put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice, and to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving toward one another, as God in Christ forgave us.
There is something to put off and something to put on.
Real repentance will begin to show up the next time I’m disappointed. Instead of pulling away and making sure Doug knows I’m unhappy, I can tell him what’s bothering me. I can listen to what he has to say. And if he needs time to think, I don’t have to expect an answer right away.
We don’t have to wait until all our feelings have settled before we obey the Lord.
I can simply pray, “Lord, help me not to insist on my own way. Help me to respond to Doug in a way that honors You.”
Remembering the Man We Love
Proverbs 31:26 describes a woman who opens her mouth with wisdom and has the teaching of kindness on her tongue.
That is something worth praying for.
Our husbands should hear that we love and appreciate them. We want them to know that we notice the ways they care for us and that we’re thankful for all they do.
When we’re disappointed about one thing, it can become all we see for a little while. We need to remember the whole person in front of us—the husband we love—and consider how we’re treating him in that moment.
Maybe there is something you can thank your husband for today. There may be a conversation you need to go back to with more humility, or a response you need to ask forgiveness for.
If you’d like some simple ways to be more intentional about encouraging your husband, I have an earlier episode called EP 179: Encouraging Your Husband: Biblical Wisdom for Building Him Up with Grace. I also have a free 40-Week Husband Encouragement Challenge that gives you one simple way each week to encourage and pray for your husband. I use the challenge myself every Saturday morning during my prayer time.
Grace for the Wife Who Needs to Repent
When the Lord exposes our sin, we have somewhere to go with it.
We can come to Christ honestly. We don’t have to minimize what we’ve done or explain why our situation justified it. He already knows our hearts.
First John 1:9 reminds us:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Because Christ bore the punishment for our sin, we can bring it into the light instead of hiding it.
When I see this sin in my own heart, I’m so thankful I can come to the Lord and confess it. Because of Christ, there is forgiveness for me.
And I need His help to love Doug well in those moments.
That gives us real hope, even when we recognize a response we’ve fallen into many times before. We can confess it, ask forgiveness, and depend on the Lord for help in the next conversation. We can ask Him to help us recognize our sin sooner and become quicker to repent.
I love Doug, and I want the way I treat him when I’m disappointed to reflect that love too.
So as we consider these verses in Proverbs, let’s take their warnings personally. Where have we excused unkindness? Where have we insisted on our own way? Where do we need to seek forgiveness?
And let’s thank the Lord that He continues to work in us. The Savior who forgives us is faithful to help us grow.
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