EP 199: Am I Becoming a Quarrelsome Wife?
Inside: How do we respond when our husbands disagree with us and what is that showing us about our hearts?
Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
Listen to the Podcast:
Some verses in Proverbs can make me smile a little when I picture them:
“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
—Proverbs 21:9
I can just picture that poor husband heading up to the roof for a little peace and quiet! And then Proverbs 27:15 gives us another picture:
“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.”
As Christian wives, we want to be a crown to our husbands – Proverbs 12:4 – we want to love them, encourage them, and do them good. We sure don’t want to be chasing them up onto the roof or wearing them down with our quarreling!
But I don’t want us to move past these verses too quickly – they really do give us a chance to stop and look at how we’re treating the husbands the Lord has given us.
This message had been sitting in my drafts for a few weeks, and then Costi Hinn recently taught on this very subject – it was such a help to me as I was thinking it through. I’ll link to it in the show notes, and it’s so worth a listen. He spoke to the husbands first and then to the wives the following week, and since I’m talking with you ladies today, we’re going to focus on looking at our own hearts as wives.
I love my Doug dearly – I’m so thankful for him and for our marriage – but honestly, I still don’t always respond well when I don’t get my way. I’m not one to argue or raise my voice, but I can get short with him. And the Lord keeps showing me that those responses matter too.
So this one is personal for me as well. I want us to look at how we respond when our husbands disagree with us and what those responses may be showing us about our hearts.
When I Feel Justified
I usually come around eventually – but I want to slow down here and think about what’s going on before I get there. How am I treating my Doug while I’m unhappy about the situation?
I’ll be honest – I don’t always feel convicted right away. Most times my first thought is that I’m justified. I have a good reason to be upset (at least I think I do!) and sometimes I really am right about the thing we’re disagreeing on.
But the Lord keeps showing me – even when I’m right about the issue, that doesn’t give me a pass on how I’m treating my husband.
Maybe there is a concern we need to talk through – that’s okay, and there are times I do have something worth saying. But I’m still responsible before the Lord for how I speak to Doug and how I treat him. Him disagreeing with me doesn’t mean I get to be unkind.
Ouch – that one’s hard to admit. I know I can get so caught up going over my side of things (all the reasons I’m right!) that I’m not even thinking about how I’m coming across to him. I want him to understand why I’m upset and why this matters so much to me – but am I willing to stop and ask the Lord if I’m sinning in the way I’m going about it?
I’m preaching to myself here too friend.
We can love our husbands so much and still respond sinfully at times. I’m not talking perfection – we are all works in progress, and a good marriage doesn’t mean we’re done growing in godliness. We can be so thankful for the Lord’s grace in our marriage and still be asking Him to show us where we need to repent and change.
What Am I Wanting?
James 4:1 is such a helpful verse here:
“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?”
James is writing to believers – and I think his words have so much to teach us about conflict in our marriages. When I’m upset with Doug I need to look past what happened and ask myself – what am I wanting here? And how am I responding when I don’t get it?
Let me say this so we don’t misunderstand: wanting our husband to understand where we’re coming from isn’t wrong. Having a preference isn’t wrong. And bringing a concern to him may be the most loving thing we can do.
But what happens when he hears us out and still disagrees?
Can I keep treating him with kindness? Am I really listening to his reasoning – or does my warmth toward him depend on whether he does what I want?
That one searches my heart. When I’m upset I can get short with Doug. And then there are times I don’t say much at all but I still want him to know I’m unhappy (you know what I’m talking about ladies!) Am I holding on to my right to be upset instead of thinking about what would please the Lord?
Sometimes we do need a few minutes to think before we’re ready to talk – and that’s okay, we can tell our husband that. But a heavy sigh can say plenty! And even if I keep it all to myself, I can grumble in my own mind and go over every reason I think I’m right. The conversation is over but I’m still carrying on the argument in my heart. The Lord sees all of that and I need His help to see it in myself.
Jesus tells us in Matthew 12:34 – “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” So I need to bring what’s going on in my heart before the Lord – not just the words I said. I can work really hard at keeping my tone sweet, but if my heart is still insisting on its own way I haven’t really dealt with it.
We Can Speak Honestly and Kindly
Something so helpful in Costi’s message was this reminder: disagreeing with our husbands doesn’t automatically make us contentious. I think we need to hear that clearly ladies.
We can bring a concern to our husband. We can ask questions and offer counsel – and yes, there are times we may even need to lovingly confront sin. Our wisdom is a gift to our husbands! There should be room in our marriages for honest conversations (even the hard ones).
The Lord has also given our husbands the responsibility to lead our homes – Ephesians 5:22-23 reminds us of this – and part of our role as their helper is to encourage them as they lead.
I’m talking here about the everyday decisions where Doug and I just have different preferences or opinions. I can share my thoughts honestly with him – and he wants me to! But if we’ve talked it through and a decision still needs to be made, am I willing to submit to his leadership even if it isn’t what I would have chosen?
(Doug joined me for EP 186: Encouraging Your Husband’s Leadership in the Home – we talked about some practical ways we can help our husbands lead.)
But even when something does need to be addressed – how am I bringing it up? Am I speaking with humility and love? Am I willing to listen and not just talk?
I can tell myself I’m just trying to work through a concern – but if I’m honest, sometimes I keep making my case long after I’ve already said what I needed to say. I want Doug to agree with me. Really, I want to be right and get my way!
Ephesians 4:29 is such a good reminder here:
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
I need that verse in the middle of a conversation that isn’t going the way I hoped it would. We don’t need to belittle our husbands to make our point, we can disagree with them and still speak to them with respect and kindness.
Making it Right
I do eventually get over my disappointment, and Doug and I go back to talking normally again. But if I’ve been unkind to him, just moving on isn’t the same as repenting. I still need to go back and make it right.
That means confessing it to the Lord and asking my husband to forgive me. It doesn’t have to be complicated – it could sound something like this:
“I’m sorry for the way I responded to you. I was short with you and that was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
And we don’t need to tack on, “But you made me upset when you…” (I know that one’s tempting!). If there is still a concern to talk about, we can do that – but when we’re asking forgiveness we need to own our sin and not excuse it.
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us:
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
We’re putting off the bitterness and anger and putting on kindness and a tender heart.
Real repentance will start to show up the next time I’m disappointed. Instead of pulling away and making sure Doug knows I’m unhappy, I can just tell him what’s bothering me. I can listen to what he has to say. And if he needs some time to think about it, I don’t have to expect an answer right then.
I don’t have to wait until all my feelings have settled down before I obey the Lord. I can simply pray, “Lord, help me not to insist on my own way. Help me respond to Doug in a way that honors You.”
Remembering the Man We Love
Proverbs 31:26 is one I love:
“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”
Oh, I want that to be true of me – that’s something I need to be praying for!
Our husbands need to hear that we love them and appreciate them. I want Doug to know I see all the little ways he takes care of me (and there are so many!) and how grateful I am for him.
Honestly, when something’s bothering me it can kind of take over and for a bit that’s all I can see. I need to step back and remember the whole person in front of me – my Doug, the husband I love and cherish so much – and think about how I’m treating him right in that moment.
So maybe there’s something you can thank your husband for today. Or maybe there’s a conversation you need to go back to with a little more humility, or a response you need to ask forgiveness for.
If you’d like some simple ways to be more intentional about encouraging your husband, I have an earlier episode called EP 179: Encouraging Your Husband: Biblical Wisdom for Building Him Up with Grace. I also have a free 40-Week Husband Encouragement Challenge that gives you one simple way each week to encourage and pray for your husband. (I use it myself every Saturday morning during my prayer time.)
Grace for the Wife Who Needs to Repent
When the Lord shows us our sin, we have somewhere to go with it – we can come to Christ honestly. We don’t have to downplay what we did or explain why our situation made it okay. He already knows our hearts!
1 John 1:9 is such a comfort:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Christ took the punishment for our sin, so we can bring it into the light instead of hiding it.
When I see this sin in my own heart, I’m so thankful I can go to the Lord and confess it – because of Christ there is forgiveness for me. And I need His help to love Doug well in those moments too.
That gives us real hope, even when it’s the same response we’ve fallen into over and over again (I know I’ve been there!). We can confess it, ask forgiveness, and lean on the Lord for help in the next conversation. And we can ask Him to help us see our sin sooner and be quicker to repent.
I love my Doug, and I want the way I treat him when I’m disappointed to show that love too.
So as we think about those verses in Proverbs, let’s take them personally ladies. Are there places I’ve excused being unkind or insisted on my own way? Is there someone I need to go to and ask forgiveness?
And let’s be so thankful that the Lord isn’t finished with us yet. The same Savior who forgives us is faithful to help us grow.
Jesus is enough always, friend.
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