EP 164: Resisting Gossip: Using Words to Build Up 

Inside: Gossip is a harmful sin often overlooked, but our words have the power to bring life or death to relationships. Join us as we explore what the Bible says about gossip and practical ways to guard our speech to build others up with grace.

Gossip is a prevalent and poisonous sin that is often overlooked, but our words have the power to bring either death or life to our relationships. We are diving into what the Bible says about gossip, its consequences, and practical ways to guard our speech to build others up. We’ll explore biblical principles and wise practices to resist gossip and use our words to reflect God’s love and grace.

Listen to EP 164: Resisting Gossip: Using Words to Build Up:

Listen to the podcast (27 minutes) or read the post below (15 Minutes)

Recommended Resources:

Practical Ways to Cultivate Grace-Filled Speech

Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Wagging Tongue by Matthew Mitchell

Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges

EP 67: Speech Seasoned with Grace and Kindness

EP 1: Taming Our Tongues

Becoming Women Who Speak Words that Build Up

The 5 Gossips You Will Meet @Challies

What Is Gossip According to the Bible?

Let’s start by defining what gossip is according to the Bible. Gossip is a sin that’s hard to escape from. Whether we’re the ones speaking it, listening to it, or being the subject of it, gossip can easily infiltrate our conversations. It’s one of the “respectable sins” that Jerry Bridges discusses in his book Respectable Sins, and Matthew Mitchell delves into it thoroughly in Resisting Gossip, a book I highly recommend.

The Bible teaches that our words are powerful and reveal the state of our hearts. Luke 6:45 says, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Our words can bring life or death to our relationships. Matthew Mitchell defines gossip as “bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.” He explains that we gossip because our sinful hearts are attracted to negative stories, much like moths to a flame.

Scripture clearly defines gossip and underscores its seriousness. In Romans 1:29, gossip is listed alongside other serious sins: “They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips.” Here, gossip refers to whisperers, secret slanderers, and detractors.

In 1 Timothy 5:13, Paul warns against young widows becoming “idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.” The King James Version uses the term “tattlers,” referring to those who inappropriately reveal secrets or inform others. Often, the motive behind gossip is to make others look bad while elevating ourselves, even if we rationalize it as being for someone’s good.

Several Verses Address the Nature and Consequences of Gossip:

1. Proverbs 16:28 – “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”
2. Proverbs 18:8 – “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.”
3. Leviticus 19:16 – “Do not go about spreading slander among your people.”

Gossip involves talking about the faults, failings, or embarrassing situations of others without their knowledge or approval. Even if no harm is intended or we convince ourselves it’s for their good, it’s still gossip and therefore a sin. It occurs when we speak about someone in a way that is harmful or unkind, often behind their back without their knowledge.

We often forget how powerful and potentially destructive our words can be. How can we “bless our Lord” and then turn around and “curse people” from the same mouth, as James 3:9-10 points out?

The Bible warns against gossip because it leads to strife, mistrust, and division. It calls believers to use their words to build up others, as Ephesians 4:29 advises against “corrupting talk” and encourages speech that is good for building up, fitting the occasion, and giving grace to those who hear.

In summary, gossip is speaking ill of others, often in secret, and is discouraged in the Bible because it harms relationships and contradicts our call to love and edify one another.

Examples of Gossip

Common Scenarios and Temptations

Some examples of how we may find ourselves falling into the sin of gossip, and again this is not an exhaustive list, but sadly ones that I’m familiar with. We can often face the temptation to gossip, especially when dealing with conflict.

When we learn something about someone, we essentially have three options:

1. We can talk directly to the person involved.
2. We can talk to others about it.
3. We can keep it to ourselves and talk directly to God.

Seeking Counsel vs. Gossip

Gossip occurs when we choose to say something behind someone’s back that should either be said directly to them or not at all. It’s important to remember that seeking godly wisdom and counsel is sometimes necessary, but we must be careful not to let this turn into gossip.

Venting or Gossiping?

One common scenario, especially among women, is discussing conflicts with others. Often, we do this to justify ourselves and get validation, wanting others to affirm that we’re right and the other person is wrong. If we talk about the situation without seeking godly counsel—particularly if we’re revealing details that should remain private—we’re likely gossiping.

When we find enjoyment in sharing a situation that others don’t need to know about, we are engaging in gossip, as Proverbs 18:8 reminds us. Seeking counsel for difficult situations should be a solemn, prayerful process, not a pleasurable one.

Checking Our Hearts

If we find ourselves talking to others more than we’re talking to God about a person or situation, it’s probably gossip. This is especially true when we bring up issues as prayer requests. Sometimes, we might do this to make ourselves look good or seem important, adopting a “look what I know” attitude.

Venting can easily turn into gossip. If the person we’re sharing with isn’t someone who can actively help resolve the situation, we probably shouldn’t be venting to them. As Matthew 18:16 teaches, the goal should always be reconciliation, not just airing grievances.

Consider whether you’re sharing the situation and the person’s faults with multiple people. If you are, it’s likely gossip. Matthew 18:15-17 emphasizes addressing conflicts within a very narrow audience.

A key question to ask yourself is: where is your heart? If it’s a sin issue, are you genuinely broken over their sin and desiring their restoration, or are you feeling self-righteous and angry?

Another area we need to be cautious about is what we share with our husbands. Before discussing something, ask yourself: is it really his business, and can he do anything about it? These are good questions to consider in any situation before sharing information.

Speaking with Wisdom: Proverbs 31:26

Now, let’s consider Proverbs 31:26, which says, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” This verse offers a lot for us to think about as wives and mothers. What stands out to me is that it states WHEN she opened her mouth, meaning she didn’t speak all the time, but when she did, it was with wisdom.

Words of Encouragement and Correction

As Christian women who desire to speak words of wisdom, we need to consider the types of words that come out of our mouths. I believe the wise woman would choose her words carefully, ensuring they align with God’s Word and are beneficial for others to hear. To her children, her words would build up, encourage, and correct lovingly. She would speak of God’s goodness and the gift of salvation through Christ and use words that offer grace to their souls.

Speaking Kindly in the Home

Her mouth would not be a source of cursing, filthy language, slander, or any other corrupt communication (Colossians 3:8, Ephesians 4:29). Ephesians 4:29 reminds us that our words should be for building up, according to the need of the moment, so they may give grace to those who hear.

It’s often easy to speak kindly to others outside our homes, as we tend to put on a good face. However, our true hearts are revealed by the way we speak to those within our homes. The example set before us in Proverbs 31 shows that when she speaks to give instruction, kindness is on her tongue.

Practicing Gracious Speech

I pray that we will search our hearts and, even more importantly, allow the Lord to search our hearts and do His work in us, especially in this area where we often need much attention. Sometimes our words to our children can be sinful, and we might overlook our own shortcomings in our speech.

We should treat and speak to our children in the way we would want them to treat and speak to us. After all, who is setting the example here? Our words should be gracious and gentle, both inside and outside our homes. It’s essential to practice using phrases like “please,” “thank you,” and “will you forgive me?” Take the time to pray before responding to a difficult situation and talk to the Lord about it first. You can still be firm with your children when needed while being gentle at the same time.

If Gossip Is a Sin, What Should We Be Saying to Each Other?

We should be speaking words that are kind, edifying, and that build others up. Ephesians 4:29 is a great verse to memorize and keep in mind:

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Ephesians 4:29: Guiding Our Speech

Let’s unpack this verse because it serves as a great guideline. As Christians who have repented of our sins and put our faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation, we’ve been made new. We have a new nature, and we’re called to put off the old self. So, what does it look like for no corrupting or unwholesome speech to come out of our mouths?

It all starts with a change of heart. In Christ, we’ve been given a new heart and new desires – this is true of all believers – of all who have repented and put their faith in Christ alone for salvation.

Transforming Our Hearts and Words

As our hearts are transformed, our speech should follow. This process of sanctification takes time, but the more God’s Word fills our hearts and shapes our tongues, the more our speech will be used to build others up. As believers, Christ is living in us and through us, and our words should reflect this supernatural work. Our speech, as new creations, should be gracious, uplifting, sensitive to the needs of others, and focused more on others than on ourselves. When building others up becomes part of our everyday conversation, gossip naturally fades away.

Being Good Listeners

A quick side note: as we discuss what we should say to others, it’s also important that we become good listeners. Truly taking the time to prioritize the needs of others over our own can be so powerful.

The verse also says, “gives grace to those who hear.” As God’s ambassadors, we can serve as channels of His grace in our everyday conversations. The only way we can speak gracious words is by continually relying on God’s transforming grace in our lives.

The word “unwholesome” in Ephesians 4:29 means rotten. I recall a commentary note by Wayne Barber on this verse, which offers a vivid illustration: if you put one rotten apple in a barrel of good apples, the good apples won’t make the rotten one good. Instead, the rotten apple will start to spoil the others. That’s how our speech works. “Rotten” speech is decaying and corrupt, while wholesome speech builds up and gives life. When we put on the new garment of Christ, our way of talking should change accordingly. Paul emphasizes that our words should be “good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This means our speech should be adaptable and sensitive to the context, with the Holy Spirit guiding us to speak words that build up.

Our words should speak life to others. Matthew 12:34 reminds us that “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” What is flowing from your heart? Are your words bringing life to others? One of the most important messages we can share with our children and those in our sphere of influence is the Gospel. There are no kinder words than those that offer the hope of eternal life.

Our Lord has not left us alone in this challenging area. We have His Word, and if we are in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit within us to help tame our tongues. While we won’t reach perfection in this area on this side of heaven, as we continue to fill our hearts with God’s Word and yield to the Holy Spirit, He will faithfully sanctify us. This work will help us gain victory over our speech, ensuring our words reflect that we are God’s children.

Handling Gossip When It May Arise

Whenever we find ourselves in an awkward lull in the conversation, it can be tempting to fill the silence with gossip. So, what should a Christian woman do in that situation?

Alternatives to Gossip

Matthew Mitchell, in Resisting Gossip, offers some great alternatives:

“Instead of gossiping, you could: tell a good story, teach something useful, share a funny joke, talk about the weather, share a joy of yours, or express a loving concern for someone to help them.”

These are excellent ideas to have ready in those moments. You could also share what the Lord is doing in your life, talk about a book you’re reading or have recently read, or ask about what God has been teaching them or what they’re currently studying in the Word.

Embracing Silence

Remember, silence is perfectly okay too. Sometimes we’re so afraid of the quiet that we end up saying things we shouldn’t. Proverbs 10:19 reminds us, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” It’s a good reminder that we don’t always need to fill the silence with words; sometimes, it’s best to simply enjoy the quiet.

Six Questions to Guide Our Speech

I have written in my Bible six questions. I’m not sure where they originally came from, but they’ve been a great help to me in being prayerful and slow to speak. Here they are:

1. Is this the time to say this?
2. Am I the person to say this?
3. Is it necessary?
4. Is it kind?
5. Is it true?
6. Do I need to say this?

Reflecting Before Speaking

Often, we don’t have to address everything that troubles or annoys us. We need to learn when to let things go and overlook an offense. These questions are pretty self-explanatory and serve as a good heart check before we speak.

Elisabeth Elliot had a helpful quote to remember in her book A Lamp to My Feet:

“Lord, deliver me from the urge to open my mouth when I should shut it. Give me the wisdom to keep silent where silence is wise. Remind me that not everything needs to be said, and that there are very few things that need to be said by me.”

Learning to Let Go

Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”

This verse goes so well with the Elisabeth Elliot quote—simply talking less would probably solve a lot of our problems if we just kept quiet. And we don’t need to share our opinions about everything.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells us that there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak.” Sometimes, we accomplish more by saying nothing at all. Think of all we avoid by choosing silence: we don’t hurt with our words, we avoid conflict, and we don’t gossip or damage someone’s reputation. I know for myself that I don’t always take enough time to pray before I respond, especially in delicate situations where I need to seek the Lord’s wisdom.

On the flip side, there are times when we need to speak up wisely to protect someone’s reputation and take a stand for what’s right. It’s about finding the balance and knowing when to speak and when to stay silent.

Responding to Gossip in Conversation

So, what should we, as Christian women, do when a friend or acquaintance begins to say something that is, or sounds like it will be, gossip?

We need to work hard at not listening to or engaging in gossip or slander. Let’s start with ourselves—some good questions to ask before speaking about someone else are, “Would I mind if the person I’m talking about were standing right here?” and “Would I be willing to say this to their face?”

I want to share an encouraging and convicting quote about Sarah Edwards, the wife of Jonathan Edwards. I shared this quote in an older podcast episode on our speech, but it is so good to hear it again. It convicts me every time I hear it—I want to be like Sarah Edwards.

She set a standard we would all do well to follow because it’s so easy to fall into the trap of tearing others down instead of building them up. What does the Lord call us to do?

“Sarah made it her rule to speak well of all as far as she could, with truth and justice to herself and others. She was not prone to dwell with delight on the imperfections and failings of any, and when she heard others speaking ill of someone, she would say what she thought she could with truth and justice in their excuse or divert the slander by mentioning those things that were commendable in them.”

In other words, if Sarah heard someone saying something unkind, she would try to change the conversation or say something encouraging about the person being spoken of.

It goes on to say:

“Sarah was careful of everyone’s character, even of those who injured and spoke evil of her. She could bear injuries and reproach with great calmness, without any disposition to render evil for evil, but on the contrary, she was ready to pity and forgive those who appeared to be her enemies.”

What a testimony! How would you like to have that said about you? What a commitment: to speak well of all. That’s what Scripture calls us to do.

Let’s not get caught up in the moment but be prepared to respond in a way that honors the Lord.

This is a verse we need to memorize: “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” (Psalm 141:3).

If you are in Christ, you have everything you need to stop this sinful behavior. We can replace gossip—we don’t need to fall into this sin. God, in His goodness and mercy, gives us His Word and the work of His Spirit within us to speak words that bless and not curse.

I’m coming back to the idea of silence—just say nothing. It’s pretty easy to avoid gossip if your lips aren’t moving.

Stop complaining and look for ways to build others up. It doesn’t mean pretending or making up good things about others, but genuinely looking for the good and talking about it. No one enjoys being around people who complain all the time. We all appreciate being around those who have good things to share.

When you have an issue with someone, deal with it directly. Don’t share it with others.

“Never about, always to.”

~ Amy Carmichael

Speak words that will benefit those who are listening. Share what the Lord is doing in your life.

Closing

We cannot take our words back once they have left our mouths, and James reminds us that our tongue is like a fire that can set a forest ablaze (James 3:5-6). We need to carefully choose our words and not just blurt out everything we think or feel.

Our words are powerful, and as we’ve seen, gossip can be a destructive force, but we can also use our speech to bring life and build others up. Let’s commit to speaking words that are kind, edifying, and full of grace. Remember, we have the Holy Spirit within us to help tame our tongues and guide our speech.

Additionally, let’s put what we’ve learned into practice. Make a conscious effort to avoid gossip and instead use your words to encourage and uplift others. Reflect on Ephesians 4:29 and let it guide your conversations: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

May we continue to value His Word above all else.

Jesus truly is enough always