EP 164: Resisting Gossip: Using Words to Build Up
Inside: Gossip is everywhere, even in the church. What does the Bible say about it, and how can our words build others up instead?
The sin of gossip is everywhere, and it is in the church. We can’t seem to get away from it. We are either the ones gossiping or listening to gossip, or we are the ones being gossiped about. Gossip is a prevalent and poisonous sin that many times is not dealt with. It is one of the “respectable sins” Jerry Bridges deals with in his book Respectable Sins, and the sin of gossip is thoroughly covered in a book I highly recommend called Resisting Gossip by Matthew Mitchell.
Listen to EP 164: Resisting Gossip: Using Words to Build Up:
Listen to the podcast (27 minutes) or read the post below (15 Minutes)
Recommended Resources:
Practical Ways to Cultivate Grace-Filled Speech
Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Wagging Tongue by Matthew Mitchell
Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges
EP 67: Speech Seasoned with Grace and Kindness
EP 1: Taming Our Tongues
Becoming Women Who Speak Words that Build Up
The 5 Gossips You Will Meet @Challies
What Is Gossip According to the Bible?
Our words are important, and as the Bible says, they reveal our hearts: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).
Matthew Mitchell defines gossip as “bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.”
We see the seriousness of this sin in Romans 1:29, where gossips are listed right alongside those full of envy, murder, strife, and deceit.
So many times we gossip because we have a goal of making others look bad and building ourselves up. Gossip is when we talk about the faults, failings, or embarrassing situations of others without their knowledge or approval. Even if no harm is meant, or we try to convince ourselves it’s for their good in some way, it’s still gossip, so it’s still a sin.
How can we “bless our Lord” while we “curse people” from the same mouth (James 3:9–10)?
Examples of Gossip
We basically have three options when we learn something about someone. We can talk to them about it, we can talk to others about it, or we can keep it to ourselves and talk directly to God about it. Gossip is when we say something behind someone’s back that we should really say directly to them or not at all.
There are times we need to seek wisdom from others who can give us godly counsel. Our caution is that this seeking of counsel doesn’t turn into gossip.
A big one for us as women is when we’re in conflict with someone. We can tend to want to talk about it with others, and many times it’s to justify ourselves. Deep down (and I’m speaking sadly from experience), we want them to affirm that we’re right and the other person is wrong. Seeking godly counsel would mean not revealing the person we’re in conflict with, but sharing about the situation and protecting them in it.
If we find enjoyment in repeating a situation that others don’t need to know about, we are falling into gossip (Proverbs 18:8). When we’re truly seeking counsel in a difficult situation, it’s not fun. It’s a very painful thing to do.
If we find ourselves talking to others more than we’re talking to God about a person or situation, it’s probably gossip. I think this is one we can fall into when we bring issues up as a prayer request. We can tend to do this to make ourselves look good or seem in the know, with a “look what I know” attitude.
Venting can quickly turn into gossip. If the person we’re sharing with isn’t prepared to go with us to the person we’re venting about, we probably shouldn’t be venting to them. Matthew 18:15–17 lays out dealing with conflict within a very narrow audience. Jesus doesn’t desire us to merely vent.
Here’s a big one: where is your heart? If it’s a sin issue, are you broken over their sin with a heart of love toward them and desiring to see them restored, or are you self-righteous and angry?
If Gossip Is a Sin, What Should We Be Saying to Each Other?
Ephesians 4:29 is a great verse to have memorized and bring to mind continually: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
If we have repented of our sins and put our faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation, then we have been made new. We have a new nature, and we’re called to put off the old self. Our hearts have been changed in Christ, and our speech should follow, but it can take some time as we are in the process of being sanctified. The more God’s Word takes hold of our hearts and our tongues, the more our speech will be used to build up others. If building up others is part of our day-to-day speech, gossip will not be.
The only way we can speak gracious words is by continually relying on God’s transforming grace in our lives. One of the most important messages you can share with your children and those in your sphere of influence is the Gospel. There are no kinder words that can come from your mouth than those that bring eternal life.
Six Questions to Ask Before We Speak
I have six questions written in my Bible. I’m not sure where they came from, but they may be a help to you in being prayerful and slow to speak:
- Is this the time to say this?
- Am I the person to say this?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it kind?
- Is it true?
- Do I need to say this?
Many times we don’t have to address everything that troubles or annoys us. And really, silence is okay too. Sometimes we’re afraid of the quiet, but when we start babbling is usually when we fall into trouble. “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Proverbs 10:19).
When Someone Begins to Gossip
We need to really work hard at not listening or responding to gossip. I’m going to turn that to ourselves first. Some good questions to ask if we’re the ones about to speak about another person are, “Would I mind if the person I’m talking about were standing right here?” and “Would I be willing to say it to their face?”
I have an encouraging and convicting quote to share about Sarah Edwards, the wife of Jonathan Edwards:
“Sarah made it her rule to speak well of all so far as she could, with truth and justice to herself and others. She was not prone to dwell with delight on the imperfections and failings of any, and when she heard other people speaking ill of others, she would say what she thought she could with truth and justice in their excuse or divert the slander by mentioning those things that were commendable in them.”
What a testimony! How would you like to have that said about you?
When you have an issue with someone, deal directly with them. Don’t share it with others. “Never about, always to.”
—Amy Carmichael
Closing
We cannot take our words back once they have left our mouths, and James reminds us our tongue is like a fire that can set a forest ablaze (James 3:5–6).
Our Lord did not leave us to fend for ourselves in this most difficult area of our lives. We have His Word, and if we are in Christ, we have His Holy Spirit within us to tame our tongues. We will never reach perfection here on this earth, but as we fill our hearts with God’s Word and yield to the Spirit, He is faithful to continue to sanctify us.
“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” (Psalm 141:3)
Jesus is enough—always.