Inside: So many times as wives, we can focus more on what our husbands are doing wrong instead of what they’re doing right. In this episode, we’ll explore the 80/20 rule and dive into practical ways to extend grace, encourage, and build up our husbands.

Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s very close to my heart: the 80/20 rule in marriage. This simple principle has made such a difference in my own relationship, and I want to gently remind us of the impact our words and actions can have on our marriages.

EP 82: Encouraging Your Husband {Elisabeth Elliot’s 80/20 Rule

You can read the post below in (10 minutes) or listen in to the podcast (25 minutes) where I share more content.

Recommended Resources:

Romancing Your Husband

Marriage Series – Posts & Podcasts

Learning from Elisabeth Elliot: A List of Resources

EP 69: Preaching the Gospel to Yourself

Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot

Reflecting on My Role as a Wife:

Over the years, I’ve made it a habit to regularly reflect on my role as a wife and how I can better support and encourage my husband. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is how easy it is to get caught up in focusing on what we think our husbands are doing wrong, instead of all the things they’re doing right. It’s a struggle I know all too well. But when we find ourselves only noticing their faults, that’s our cue to pause and ask the Lord to help us.

Remember, dear sister, you chose this man for a reason, and there were so many wonderful qualities that drew you to him. It’s important to take a moment to look back and remind ourselves of what first attracted us to our husbands.

Appreciating and Encouraging Your Husband:

Think about all the things you love and appreciate about your husband—then make sure to tell him.

Does he know you still find him attractive? What was it that first caught your eye? Was it something physical, or maybe a special quality he had?

Maybe it was his kindness, his gentle spirit, or the way he cared for others. Perhaps it was his steady faith or the strength of his character in a world that often lacks integrity.

Do you still see those qualities in him today?

Whatever it is, don’t keep it to yourself—let him know! And if you happen to have any of those old love letters stashed away, take a moment to read through them. They might just remind you of all the reasons you fell in love in the first place. I love when my husband and I revisit our love letters—plus we’ve been married over 38 years, so it was pre-email, which means they’re all handwritten.

A Favorite Quote from Shirley Rice:

I want to share a favorite quote of mine from Shirley Rice—really listen to this one, and it will be in the main show notes linked below the video:

“Are you in love with your husband? Not, Do you love him? I know you do. He has been around a long time, and you’re used to him.

He is the father of your children. But are you in love with him? How long has it been since your heart really squeezed when you looked at him? . . .

Why is it you have forgotten the things that attracted you to him at first? . . . Your husband needs to be told that you love him, that he is attractive to you.

By the grace of God, I want you to start changing your thought pattern. Tomorrow morning, get your eyes off the toaster or the baby bottles long enough to LOOK at him.

Don’t you see the way his coat fits his shoulders? Look at his hands. Do you remember when just to look at his strong hands made your heart lift?

Well, LOOK at him and remember. Then loose your tongue and tell him you love him.

Will you ask the Lord to give you a sentimental, romantic, physical, in-love kind of love for your husband? He will do this.”

Reflecting on this, it brings me to the 80/20 Rule, a principle that has profoundly impacted my own marriage.

The 80/20 Rule in Marriage:

The 80/20 Rule is something I first heard about years ago at a women’s retreat, but it was Elisabeth Elliot who truly helped me understand it in the context of marriage. She shared a challenge presented by her husband, Lars Gren:

“A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”

This wisdom has been such a gift in my own marriage. It’s so easy to fixate on that 20%—the things we wish were different—but what a joy it is to focus on the 80%, the good and beautiful things about our husbands that we often take for granted.

And this principle doesn’t just apply to our marriages. It can transform our relationships with our children, friends, and even our church family. We’ve been given so much grace; how can we not extend that same grace to others?

Reflecting on the Gospel:

One of the reasons this concept resonates so deeply with me is because it mirrors the gospel so beautifully. My husband often reminds me that we, who deserve 0%, have been given 100% by Christ. In Him, we receive the fullness of grace, even though we deserve none of it. This is why it’s so important to preach the gospel to ourselves daily, reminding our forgetful hearts of God’s incredible mercy and love.

As you reflect on your marriage, I encourage you to ask the Lord to help you see your husband through eyes of grace. Sometimes, it’s not our husbands who need to change—it’s our own attitudes and responses. The Lord is using your marriage to sanctify you, molding you into the likeness of Christ.

Practical Reminders for Wives:

We all have our own ways of doing things, and it’s important to remember that different doesn’t necessarily mean wrong—it’s just different. Your way of doing things isn’t the only right way.

Are we gentle in our responses to our husbands? If there are areas in their lives that need change, do we give them the time to change? Change is a process, not an event, and we need to allow the Lord to work in their lives according to His timetable.

Maturity in Christ takes time, and none of us will ever be perfect here on this earth. Yet, we can often have high expectations of others that they may not be mature enough to meet.

When we place expectations on others and they don’t meet them, we might find ourselves responding in ways that are anything but kind and gentle. Instead, we need to trust the Lord to work in the lives of others in His timing, and continue to be a loving light for Christ in their lives.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t sinful areas that need to be addressed, but it’s about looking at the everyday moments and viewing them in light of eternity.

Focusing on the 80%:

Ask yourself these questions: Will it matter tomorrow? In a week? A month? A year? Ten years? Sometimes, we make much out of nothing, and there are many moments where we can simply let things go and extend the love and grace we’ve been shown.

The 20% you see in your husband that you think needs changing is not outside of God’s sovereign control. Trust the Lord, dear sister—there is hope.

The more we focus on the 80% our husbands are doing right, the less we will see the 20% that we think needs to change. And as we do this, our marriages may become more grace-filled and enjoyable.

It’s not easy to live with someone who spends every moment trying to change you into their likeness.

Excerpts from Elisabeth Elliot’s Let Me Be a Woman Book:

I want to read a couple excerpts from Elisabeth Elliot’s book, Let Me Be a Woman. It’s from chapter 23, titled You Married a Sinner. Many of you already know where I’m going with this—so take in her words with me:

“First of all, who is it you marry? You marry a sinner. There’s nobody else to marry. That ought to be obvious enough, but when you love a man as you love yours it’s easy to forget. You forget it for a while and then when something happens that ought to remind you, you find yourself wondering what’s the matter, how could this happen, where did things go wrong? They went wrong back in the Garden of Eden. Settle it once for all; your husband is a son of Adam. Acceptance of him—of all of him—includes acceptance of his being a sinner. He is a fallen creature, in need of the same kind of redemption all the rest of us are in need of, and liable to all the temptations which are “common to man.””

“You will be less likely to turn into a nagging wife if you recall continually that it is not only your husband who leaves undone those things which (you think) he ought to do, and does things which (you think) he ought not to do, but that you, too, have erred and strayed like a lost sheep, sinning daily by omission and commission.”

“So—you marry a sinner. And you love, accept, and forgive that sinner as you yourself expect to be loved, accepted, and forgiven. You know that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God,” and this includes your husband who comes short, also, of some of the glories you expected to find in him. Come to terms with this once and for all and then walk beside him as “heirs together of the grace of life.”

The Power of a Wife’s Encouragement:

Elisabeth’s wisdom really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? It reminds us that we’re all imperfect and in need of grace. Along those same lines, I came across a quote from Bob Barnes that beautifully complements this thought. He talks about the power of a wife’s admiration for her husband and how it can truly make a difference in his life. Let me share that with you:

“A man is a sponge for admiration from his wife. In all of the healthy marriages I have ever seen, the wife sincerely admires her husband—and she doesn’t keep it a secret from him or anyone else!

We have all heard that behind every great man is a great woman. A loving, admiring, and godly woman will indeed cause a man to gain greater stature than he would on his own. A wife’s encouragement can make her husband a better man.

Your man wants you, his wife, to be his most enthusiastic fan. He becomes stronger and more confident from your support and encouragement.

Treat me as I am and that’s just where I will stay. Treat me as if I were what I could be and that’s what I’ll become.”

Growing in Christlikeness Together:

Stuart Scott wisely says, “One of the worst things a couple can do is work to change one another into each other’s likeness. They are to be changed, rather, into Christ’s likeness.” Let’s remember that our goal is not to make our husbands more like us but to grow together in Christlikeness.

As we walk this journey, I’m reminded of Romans 14:19: “So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” The Lord, in His kindness, doesn’t overwhelm us by dealing with every sinful area of our lives at once. Instead, He gently and patiently works in us, transforming us by His love.

Practical Application:

As we reflect on these truths, it’s important to bring them into our daily lives. Ask yourself: Are you focusing on the 20% that you think needs to change, or are you celebrating the 80% that is good and right? How can you shift your focus today? Will you commit to encouraging your husband, building him up with your words and actions?

Elisabeth Elliot’s wisdom from Let Me Be a Woman reminds us that we married a sinner, just as our husbands did. But by God’s grace, we can love and support one another as we grow in holiness.

Final Thoughts:

So, as we close, let’s make a commitment together—to focus more on the 80% our husbands are doing right and less on the 20% that may need change.

It’s easy to fall into the habit of criticizing rather than admiring. I know I’ve been guilty of that more times than I’d like to admit. But I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on all the reasons you chose your husband in the first place. Remind yourself of the qualities you may have forgotten or overlooked, and let those memories stir up a renewed appreciation and love for him. Let’s make it a point to speak words of admiration and build up our marriages with kindness and grace.

Remember, our words have the power to build up or tear down. Let’s choose to speak life into our marriages, reflecting the love and grace of our Savior.

Jesus truly is enough always.