So many times as wives, we can focus more on what our husbands are doing wrong instead of focusing our hearts on what they are doing right.
You can read the post below in (5 minutes) or listen in to the podcast (20 minutes) where I share more content.
Related Links:
The Impact of Encouraging Your Husband
Marriage Series – Posts & Podcasts
30 Day Husband and Encouragement Challenge
EP 69: Preaching the Gospel to Yourself
Thankful Homemaker Facebook Group
So many times as wives, we can focus more on what our husbands are doing wrong instead of focusing our hearts on what they are doing right.We can find ourselves asking: How can I do this challenge when all I see are his faults? If this is your heart attitude, I’m going to call you to repent and ask the Lord to change your heart and mind. You loved and married this man and saw many wonderful traits in him.
Day 10 of the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge was reminding us we chose this man and when we find our hearts becoming critical it can be too easy to forget all those wonderful traits that drew us to our husband in the first place:
“Count the ways you love him—then tell him.
Does your husband know that you think he is attractive? What was one of the characteristics in your husband that first drew you to him? Was it a physical characteristic or something else? Was it his gentle, compassionate eyes? Kindness or concern for others? Easygoing confidence? A steadiness that comes from trusting in the Lord? Strength of character in a culture that lacks integrity? Do you see at least a glimpse of that characteristic in him today? Whatever it is, tell him! If you still have any of your old love letters, re-read them for clues to deepen your current level of appreciation for your spouse.”
~ Above quote taken from day 10 of the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge
The 80/20 Rule:
Elisabeth Elliot who has mentored me through her books and messages shared in one of her books a challenge presented by her husband, Lars Gren:
“A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29
Read that verse above, Ephesians 4:29 again, and I do believe we would see fewer Christian marriages fail and all our relationships would significantly benefit if we applied it.
Ephesians 4:29 is a Bible verse to hide in your heart so you won’t sin against the Lord and others (Psalm 119:11).
We can find ourselves much more easily drawn to keeping our eyes on those things we think or see our husband’s doing wrong, rather than what they are doing right. What other relationships can you find yourself benefiting from the 80/20 rule? Children, friends, church family? We’ve been given much grace; we can offer much grace.
We've given much grace; we can offer much grace.Remembering the Gospel:
My husband reminds me: We who deserve 0% seem to have no complaints when God gives us 100%. If we’re in Christ, we have received 100% of Jesus, and we deserved 0%. This is the Gospel and why we need to apply it to all of life. This is why we need to Preach the Gospel to Ourselves because we are forgetful people.
Pray and ask the Lord to help you ladies, because maybe your husband doesn’t need to change, but perhaps you need to change in your attitude and responses. The Lord is sanctifying you in and through your marriage.
So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
Romans 14:19
I’m thankful the Lord doesn’t deal with every sinful area of my life at the same time. I’m so grateful for His kindness towards me to change me with the loving hand of a kind, gentle, and patient Father (Romans 2:4).
The Log in Our Eye:
We all have different ways of doing things and just the reminder that different isn’t necessarily wrong, it’s just different. Your way of doing things isn’t necessarily the only right way.
This isn’t to say that there aren’t sinful areas that might need to be dealt with, but it’s looking at the everyday moments and seeing them in light of eternity. Ask yourself these questions: Will it matter tomorrow? In a week? A month? A year? Ten years? We can make much out of nothing, and there are many times we can just let things go and show love and grace as we’ve been shown.
The 20% you’re seeing in your husband you think needs dealt with is not outside of God’s sovereign control. Trust Him dear sister; there is hope.
The more we begin to focus on the 80% our husbands are doing right, the less we will see the 20% that we think needs to change.
The more we begin to focus on the 80% our husbands are doing right, the less we will see the 20% that we think needs to change.Make sure to take the log out of your own eye before you remove that speck from someone else’s.
Encouraging Our Husbands:
The quote above from Elisabeth Elliot is such a reminder for us to be our husband’s number one encourager on this earth. You are the one relationship he desires this from the most.
Enjoy all the wonderful things you do love about him, and you will find both of you will be very happy together.
Prayer from Day 10 of the Challenge: Lord Jesus, I confess that it is often easier to criticize than admire. Please forgive my critical spirit and free me to remember all the things that nudged me to choose my husband in the first place. Remind me of things I’ve forgotten, and even point out things I’ve been blind to. Loosen my tongue to speak words of admiration and renew in me a deep, passionate love for my husband.
How can you change the way you view your husband today? Will you ask the Lord to help you?
Everything, if given to God, can become your gateway to joy.
~ Elisabeth Elliot
Related Resources:
Elisabeth Elliot Messages on Blue Letter Bible
Elisabeth Elliot Radio Broadcast
Focusing on Our Spouse’s Strengths at Revive Our Hearts
A Few of My Personal Favorite Elisabeth Elliot Books:
Discipline: The Glad Surrender,
Marci,
Thanks for the reminder to focus on what I love about my husband. I hope I can express how much you encourage and inspire me. Thank you so much for the time and effort you dedicate to these podcasts!
The quote you shared from your husband sounded like something I had heard before (although a little different). I remembered it was Michael Card’s definition of the Hebrew word “hesed.” I’m linking his lecture about lament that someone posted to YouTube. Even if you only see the first part, it’s worth it:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFv4y-PVQCXA29Ypy_B4usO7LyBOBnTFr
Karen, thank you so much for encouraging me! I am looking forward to watching the Michael Card lecture on lament. I just saved it in my YouTube videos and I’m hoping to watch it with my hubby.
Hello again, Marci. This post jogged my memory! 🙂
I’ve been very impacted by Elisabeth Elliot, too. In fact, she wrote a personal letter to me while I was dating my husband is one of the reasons I married him in the first place, just as she advised me to do. You’ve read that letter — which means you’ve probably read my book, too, as that is where I originally shared it — and wrote to me several years ago asking if I’d publish it on my blog so other readers could benefit from her wise counsel on forgiveness.
Mystery solved! That’s why you look so familiar. I read lots of your posts back then, but life got busy, and I haven’t checked in for awhile. So glad to reconnect with you now!
This is great Marci. I like a good challenge and the daily email reminders help me stay focused. I’ve recently discovered the Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood by David Coory and its changed everything. A more focused method of what is in the 30 day challenge. I will use them together as they will compliment each other. Thanks Marci!
Great article. Perfect reminder for couples to last the relationship. Thanks for sharing! 🙂