EP 191: Holding Our Expectations with Grace: When People Disappoint Us
Inside: Sometimes disappointment reveals more about our expectations than another person’s actions. A reminder to hold our expectations with grace and keep our hope anchored in Christ.
Disappointment is something all of us experience. Sometimes it comes because we’ve been genuinely hurt. Sometimes it comes because someone has failed us. And sometimes it comes from expectations we didn’t even realize we were carrying.
As I’ve worked through some disappointments in my own life, I’ve realized that many of them came from expectations that were never promises.
Now, that doesn’t mean expectations are always wrong. As believers, we rightly expect God to keep His promises because He is faithful. We trust His Word, and we look forward to the day when Christ returns and makes all things new. Biblical hope is rooted in confidence in God’s character and His promises.
But many of the disappointments I’m talking about here aren’t tied to God’s promises. They’re tied to expectations I was carrying about how I thought someone should respond or what I thought they should understand.
Often I’ve expected something from another person that they never actually promised me. In my mind, I’ve already decided how I think things should go. I assume they’ll see things the way I see them or respond the way I would have responded.
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When We Write the Script
I can easily create a picture in my mind of how I think a situation should unfold. Maybe I’ve shared something that’s weighing on my heart and hope for a certain response. Or perhaps I’m struggling and wish someone would notice without me having to say anything at all.
Before long, I’ve already decided what a caring response should look like. The problem is that the other person has never seen the script I’ve written in my head. Then reality doesn’t follow the script I’ve written.
Sometimes the disappointment isn’t caused by something sinful that another person has done. Sometimes it’s because I’ve turned a hope into an expectation. What I desired slowly became something I thought should happen. And that’s often where my disappointment begins.
We Rarely Know the Whole Story
The older I get, the more I realize how little I know about what another person may be carrying.
Over the past year, there have been days when I was trying to keep up with family and home responsibilities, ministry commitments, book deadlines, and caring for a loved one, while also walking through challenges and carrying burdens that weren’t visible to most people. From the outside, it may have looked like everything was fine. They wouldn’t have seen everything happening behind the scenes.
That’s true for all of us.
The friend who doesn’t call may be caring for a family member. The woman who seems preoccupied at church may be carrying a burden she hasn’t shared. Someone who declines an invitation or doesn’t respond the way we hoped may simply be doing her best to faithfully handle what God has already placed in front of her.
We rarely know the whole story. That’s why it’s wise to be slow to draw conclusions. We see a moment. God sees the whole picture. How often have I filled in the blanks without knowing the facts?
Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (ESV).
Solomon is talking about listening before we respond, but I’ve found this verse helpful in other areas too. How often do I think I understand a situation when I really know very little about it?
Instead of assuming the worst, love chooses to extend grace.
Expecting Others to Think Like We Think
Another area where I’ve seen this in my own life is expecting others to think the way I think. If I were in their situation, I know what would feel caring to me. I know what I would notice or make time for. But then the Lord reminds me that the other person isn’t me.
God hasn’t made us all alike. We have different personalities, different responsibilities, and different ways of expressing care. What feels thoughtful to me may not even cross someone else’s mind. What I would naturally do in a situation may not be what another person would naturally do.
One reminder that has helped me over the years is this: different isn’t wrong; it’s just different. The truth is, just because I would respond a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the only right way to respond. In fact, my response isn’t always the best response.
That doesn’t mean every response is equally wise or loving, but it does mean I need to be careful not to measure everyone by my own expectations. Just because someone responds differently than I would doesn’t mean they care less.
When I forget that, disappointment is often close behind. Instead of extending grace, I begin measuring people’s actions against my own expectations.
What Disappointment Reveals
One reason disappointment can be so revealing is that it often exposes where we’ve placed our hope.
Not every disappointment is sinful. There are real hurts in life, and there are times when people genuinely fail us. But there have also been moments when I’ve had to stop and ask myself why a particular disappointment seemed to take up so much space in my heart.
Why am I so upset about this?
Why can’t I seem to let it go?
Why does this feel bigger than it probably should?
Psalm 62:5 says, “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him” (ESV).
That verse has been a good reminder to me because there are times when I want people to understand me. I want them to notice when I’m struggling or respond in a way that makes me feel seen and cared for. Those aren’t wrong desires. God uses the people He has placed in our lives to encourage and care for us.
But sometimes I’ve found myself expecting someone to know what I’ve never communicated, or expecting them to respond exactly the way I would respond if our roles were reversed. When they don’t, disappointment follows.
Marriage can be a place where this shows up so easily. There have been times when I’ve assumed Doug would know what I was thinking or understand what I needed without me ever communicating it. In my mind, I’ve already decided what a caring response would look like. When he doesn’t respond the way I expected, disappointment can follow—even though he never knew the expectation was there.
That’s when I need to stop and examine my heart a bit more carefully.
Have I been looking to this person for something only the Lord can provide? Have I allowed a desire to become a demand? Have I turned a hope into an expectation? Those are not always easy questions, but they are helpful ones.
Sometimes I’ve even found myself carrying hurt feelings over something the other person didn’t know had affected me. Instead of extending grace, I can be tempted to pull back or let those hurts linger longer than they should. That’s usually a sign that I need to bring my heart before the Lord and examine what may be driving my disappointment.
The Lord never promised that another person would always understand what’s going on in my heart. But He does.
He knows every burden I carry, even the ones I never put into words. And He has promised that He will never leave me nor forsake me. That’s where my hope must rest.
Our Hope Is Found in Christ
One reminder the Lord has continually brought to mind through all of this is a saying I heard years ago: People make wonderful gifts, but poor saviors.
I think of my own marriage. Doug has been one of God’s greatest gifts in my life. He’s faithful, kind, thoughtful, and so dependable. After over forty years of marriage, I can honestly say he rarely disappoints me. If anything, he’s probably had far more opportunities to be disappointed with me than I’ve had with him.
Yet even a husband like Doug was never meant to be the source of my hope.
As wonderful as he is, he cannot carry what only Christ was meant to carry. He can’t read every thought in my mind. He can’t meet every need in my heart. He can’t be everything I need in every season.
Only Jesus can do that.
The same is true of our friends, our family members, and the people we love most. God cares for us through those relationships, and they are gifts to be treasured. But when we begin looking to people for what only Christ can provide, disappointment is never far behind.
The good news is that Jesus never fails us.
He sees the whole picture when we see only a moment. He understands our hearts completely and cares for us perfectly.
When my hope is resting in Christ, I’m able to hold my expectations of others more loosely. I’m slower to assume the worst. I’m more willing to extend grace. Instead of focusing on how someone disappointed me, I’m reminded of how much grace the Lord has shown to me.
It doesn’t make the hurt disappear, but it gently turns my eyes back to Christ.
A Question Worth Asking
The next time disappointment begins to take root in your heart, it may be worth asking a simple question:
Was this a promise God made, or was it an expectation I created?
That question has been a helpful one for me.
More often than not, it turns my eyes back to Christ, the One whose promises never fail and whose love never disappoints.
Again, we need to remind ourselves: We see a moment. God sees the whole picture.
And because our hope rests in Him, we’re free to extend grace to others even when we don’t understand the whole story.
<3 Look forward to seeing you Saturday! Love you~